***Cue Titanic soundtrack now***
1. Bambi’s Mom— Fatal Gun Shot Wound
Lesson learned: Just because your Mama says run to the thicket, doesn’t mean she’ll be behind you when you get there.
Why Disney, WHY???
2. Ariel’s Mom— Blunt Force Trauma
The mer-family was chillin’ ashore when some pirates showed up. Queen Athena (Ariel’s mom) gets crushed by the ship after it sinks because she gets held up helping her daughter dislodge her fins so she could flee.
Really Disney? You had to ruin the family vacay??
Lesson learned: Don’t swim to the surface without expecting your party’s number to dwindle by at least one.
3. Cinderella’s Dad— Death Unexplained
Yep, no one knows what happened to the guy. One second he’s filthy stinking rich, marrying a woman so Cindy can have a mother figure— and the next, six feet under.
Lesson learned: If your pops has money, RUN. The gold-diggers have stepped their game up to hiring ninja-assassins, and if they want your old man, even Disney can’t help you.
4. Tarzan’s Parents— Mauled by a Jaguar
These son-of-a-guns manage to survive a shipwreck with an INFANT child, build a house in a random jungle, and yet they couldn’t make a spear to kill one measly jaguar?!
And the animators, being the spawns of Satan that they are, had the nerve to include their bodies among bloody paw prints. SMDH.
Lesson Learned: Take a wood whittling course. It could come in handy.
5. Nemo’s Mom- Swallowed Alive
Coral (Nemo’s mother) is eaten by a barracuda. What’s worse is that she tried to swim toward her egg stash, revealing the location. Yep, all the thousands of Coral Jr’s and Marlon Jr’s were gulped down along with her.
And then there was one.
Lesson learned: Check the neighborhood for listed cannibals before you move in.
6. Kida’s Mom— Spontaneous Combustion
Princess Kida, from Atlantis: The Lost Empire, manages to temporarily absorb the life force of her entire civilization without dying. Her mom, apparently, wasn’t so talented.
The powers that be “called” her to “protect the life force”— which is code for she floated into the air and was incinerated by blue light.
Lesson learned: Have your mom put rocks in her pockets so she’s too heavy to float anywhere.
7. Quasimodo’s Mom— Foulplay
Quasimodo, from the Hunchback of Notre Dame, didn’t end up in that bell tower of his own accord. Frodo, a supposed godly man, felt guilty because he pushed Quasi’s mom down on some snowy steps, where she “slipped” and cracked her skull.
Lesson learned: Wear snow shoes. They’re good for traction and uh… not dying..?
8. Simba’s Dad— Trampling
Mufasa (Simba’s father): It’s a boy!
Scar (Simba’s uncle): So… I can’t be king? *twisted panties*
Simba: Haha, bitch please. Oh I just can’t WAIT to be king.
Scar: They’ll pay for this. I’ll lure Simba into a hyena death trap.No, I’ll sing to my hyenas instead.
I’VE GOT IT!!
I’ll throw Mufasa off a cliff, to be impaled and trampled by hundreds of panicked wildebeest.
9. Tiana’s Dad— Killed in the Line of Duty
Tiana’s Dad dreamed of opening up his own restaurant and naming it Tiana’s Place. But Uncle Sam called him to the front lines, and he never came back.
Lesson learned: Fake a disability and skirt the draft.
10. Shang’s Dad— Died on the Battlefield
When General Li left for battle, he was in good spirits. When Shang arrived at the rendezvous point, he was in pieces. All Shang found of him was his helmet… Talk about PTSD
Lesson learned: DISNEY HATES PARENTS!!!