Any good men’s fashion week has to catwalk a delicate balance between the sublime and the ridiculous.
After all, thirty-plus runways worth of pinstripe suits won’t keep the fashion pack entertained, and who wants to deal with a grumpy Anna Dello Russo? Unfortunately, that whole concept often gets lost in translation on its designer trek around Europe — with all too often the sublime (read: male models’ bodies) awkwardly thrown up against the ridiculous (read: the clothes) and jumbled around to see what arbitrary eyesores stick. Milan’s menswear designers were valiant in their quest to make otherwise objectively hot guys look kind of odd, and clearly uncomfortable. ‘Enjoy’ a selection of the most egregrious style trolling below:
1. Technicolor Dream Coats
At Etro. And by dream, I mean nightmare.
And by nightmare I mean Freddy Krueger end this now I don’t want to live anymore in your sick, sick color-clashing visions.
3. Bonus Etro fug: these shoes
Because when a cluster of soggy Ugg boots are in a corner together giggling and pointing at you like they’re Mean Girls and you’re talking rapturously about how great it was when Regina punched you, you’re in a bad state.
4. Awkward Vaginal Jokes
At Fendi. Because, to be crass, this is a big muff.
And this is a fanny pack. (Remember those times you went to Disney World and your mom insisted on wearing one to keep all your park tickets safe and she’d say, loudly, ‘let me just check in my fanny pack?’ while you were in line for Space Mountain and other kids there would laugh and you’d die inside. No? That was just me? OK. Sorry mom.)
6. Camel Hump Hats
At DSquared2. These hats look like big, pointy butt cheeks.
8. Dime Store Florals
At John Richmond. “This season my inspirations were Eurotrash club kids, a crippling sense of ennui, and the bargain bin at Jo-Ann’s.”
10. Guns and Face Paint
At Philipp Plein. To be fair, once you’ve dabbled with La Lohan (creatively or, um, “creatively”), you’ve got to keep upping the crazy.
13. Campy Balaclavas
At Umit Benan. Under all that knit, these models are pissed (and sweaty). They’re meant to look intimidating also, but who can compete with plastic assault rifles and menacing faux-tattoos?
16. 2-for-1 Pants
At Andrea Incontri. In other words, buy both pairs and then throw them both out.
17. Sleeping Bag Pants
At Dirk Bikkembergs. Again, buy two pairs and throw them both out give them to some homeless folk to keep their legs toasty warm even in deep winter.
Also with a fugly ‘Frankenknit’ sweater. Just don’t try giving that to the homeless, because they’d be like “um, no, rude.”
19. Inigo Montoya’s Mustache
At Costume National Homme. “You killed my barber, prepare to die … once I get these bangs out of my eyes.”
20. Sacrilegious Prints
At Dolce & Gabbana. But does this shirt make the Virgin Mary look fat?
22. Leather Kilts
At John Richmond. If a trend is trickling down from Kanye, it’s trickling too far.
23. Angry Kilts
At Moncler Gamme Bleu. The sort of piss-poor cultural hodge-podge that would drive Scots to drink, if they weren’t already inevitably drinking.
25. Dubious Walking Sticks
Still at Moncler Gamme Bleu. Yes, the obvious ‘so-big-an-eye-sore-it’ll-make-you-go-blind’ jokes are in bad taste. But championing vision-impairedness as this season’s big trend is worse, because by the time womenswear shows roll around we’ll all be tripping over the street style folk’s sequinned canes.
At Trussardi. PONCHOS. (Remember those times you went to Disney World and your dad insisted on wearing one of those cheap plastic ponchos while you were in line for Splash Mountain because even though it’s a WATER RIDE he didn’t want to risk getting wet and other kids there would laugh and you’d die inside. No? That was just me? Again? OK. Sorry dad.)
27. Unfortunate Crotches
At Vivienne Westwood. You’d spend long enough fumbling with this button fly at the urinal to risk being picked up on a public indecency charge. Also, it’s off-center and that’s irksome.
28. Truly Unfortunate Crotches
At Versace. And Donatella wins, because if you look closely you can almost see testicles. Isn’t that always a prize?
You’re still looking. That’s OK. Donatella knew you would be.